i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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