I just threw up on my dentist
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
