I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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