I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
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He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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