Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
