I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can I color on your dick again?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
