I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I am morally bankrupt
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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