My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
