I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I look better un-naked...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
