someone threw a dead crab at me
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
