I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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