i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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