if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
