It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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