You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
