Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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