Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
PANTIES FOUND
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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