I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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