I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
