You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
