wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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