god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
