we made out on top of his cat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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