Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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