So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
