My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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