You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
whose parrot is this?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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