My first STD was from a foam party
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
