I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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