So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
