I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
