you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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