Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
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AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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