Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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