Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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