Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
