my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Let's get the cat blown out
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
