this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
