note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
