I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
