found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
