we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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