is your mom at the bar?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
