Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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