The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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