this boner is exhausting
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
