where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
