what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
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