Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
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I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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