We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
