If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
