take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
