i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
